Struggling

I find myself struggling…

Struggling with my thoughts..

As we continue down this road of adoption, things plague my heart.

We started this journey when we saw a picture of a little boy named “Max” from Ukraine. My heart was so very excited. In those first days I felt like I had finally heard my calling. I felt like we were going to make the difference in the life of a child who had no one else, truly an orphan. I was also eager about the adventure of flying to another country and learning about another culture. It was all very exciting and wooed my heart.  

In the months that followed we did lot of praying, planning, and hoping. As we learned a lot about each other, we also learned a lot about our God. We learned that Adoption was in God’s Plans for our lives, we also learned that “Max” was not. Although we rejoiced knowing that “Max” has a good home here is the US (An answered prayer), we were heart broken by the news.

Galatians 4:4 But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth his son, born of a woman, born under the law, that he might redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of Sons.

Months went by and we healed.  Together we worked up the courage to try a new path.

We decided that our next experience in Adoption might be a bit less stomach queasy if we went through a domestic process. We attended orientations and started the Paperwork Process with Bethany Christian Services. I regained confidence in our goal, and anticipated what it would be like raising a child whose birth mother was given the opportunity to choose us as the family for her child instead of aborting a life. I found myself enjoying this route as each step was well defined and reliable.  My heart raced with anticipation of the variety of ways that we might be notified of our child.  Would we meet the mother, what would that relationship be like? Will the phone call come in the middle of the night or while I’m at work?  My mind was spinning…my heart was on fire…we were once again on our journey, boldly following our Lord…trusting that we would come up with the financial obligations around this option.

Then God…ever present…ever knowing …put a change in direction in our path, known as a conversation with a trusted mentor…

A question was asked…

“Have you thought about working with the Orange County Adoption Agency?”

Psalm 27:10 when my father and mother forsake me, then Jehovah will take me up

Long story short we hadn’t… personally my initial fears and thoughts we superficial and unrealistic. This just wasn’t my picture.

We went to the Orientation…my heart started to soften.

We started our PRIDE classes, God started to mold my heart more.

We started our Adoption Series of Classes, God helped me see hope in darkness…

We started our Paperwork, our finger printing…we started waiting for clearance and a case worker assignment..

And we opened the mail last week to find that we have received both…

And I struggle.

Our child will come from a home of abuse and or neglect.

Our child will come to us hurt and broken.

Our child very well could be experiencing pain and heartbreak as I write this.

Our Family will be created by the brokenness of another…

And I struggle.

I struggle knowing that I am not enough, but my God is.

I struggle knowing that our hearts are at risk of complete torture, but my God is in control.

I struggle knowing that Adopting seems to be what all the “cool kids are doing”, yet we will see the very worst of humanity in the next steps of our journey.

And I struggle.

I struggle because what I am feeling isn’t easy, it’s lonely at times, and it isn’t cute.

I struggle because the things I feel like I need to get my mind around are the things nightmares are made of.

I struggle on my knees before my Lord. I pray for direction, hope, and faith in what tomorrow brings. I ask for daily reminders that I am the daughter of the Almighty King, and he has a magnificent plan for our days.

Acts 7:21 – And when he was cast out, Pharaoh’s Daughter took him up and nourished him as her own son.

If you’re of the praying variety…I’d appreciate your prayers.