Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Waiting for the machine to pick up….

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if God could use the Phone?

We have an answering machine at our house, and it works hard. If we are away or home, we let it do its job. Some people call it “screening” calls, we call it Sanity. In the midst of our busy lives, sometime we just don’t want to talk to people. Sometimes it’s just not a good time, sometimes it’s a telemarketer, sometimes it’s someone were avoiding. When we are home, we let the phone ring and wait for the talking to begin, and then make the decision if we want to pick up the line. It’s a nice buffer, don’t you think? It’s a nice way to take control and determine how the next moments of our life will be spent.

What if the voice on the line was God? Would it be a comfort? Would it be one of those calls I wouldn’t pick up? Would it make the decisions easier?

These last couple of weeks, God has been pulling at my heart strings. I mean REALLY rearranging the meat and potatoes of life. There are so many times I just want to say…. “Bri’s not in right now leave a message and she will call you back….BEEEEEEEP!!!!!!” That’s a really uncomfortable thing to admit right now, knowing that my Creator, My King has done nothing but provide for me, and yet I continue to be terribly prideful and wonderfully human.

My weight has become the bill collector in my life. You know the guy who says…if you just worked harder, were more disciplined, saved more diligently, I wouldn’t be calling… Can I help it if I am really good at Saving Calories??? My doctors believe that my weight is a direct link to my inability to have babies. Isn’t that just a slap in the face and heart? In the back of my mind I ponder thoughts like “Eat to Live, not Live to Eat” or “It’s just a half hour of exercise, do you know how many half hour’s there are in a day?”, or “If you can’t control what you weigh, how do you expect to set examples for children, and raise them well”…..can you see where this thinking leads me? Straight for the nearest mozzarella stick or french-fry.

Which leads me to the next caller, the Guilt-Filled Volunteer Support Call: You know these calls, the Local Fire Department, The next “would be Governor (Or Govenator, as we like to call him in California)”, the local charity, or Girl Scout. From the worry, pain, and need of a child in our home my heart brings me to thoughts of Adoption. God has blessed me with a husband who feels called to adopt a child and for most of my life, I have heard the call. However, as we all know….Hearing and Doing….are two very different things…. We received an information packet from a Christian Adoption Agency in the mail a few weeks ago. We read thru the information, and have prayed about it, but haven’t done much else. I have been plagued with indecision and self doubt. How do you make such a life changing decision?

As the weeks have gone by, another message has started to blink. It’s a message from one of those special people in your life. They come in all shapes and sizes, in all types of relationships, they are sometimes family, and often times friends. The call came from my Dad. He has proposed that we go on a mission trip together with our church. It’s down to Guadalajara Mexico, in the end of January. My Mom doesn’t feel terribly called to go, and my husband can’t take time off of his new job. I have the vacation time saved, I know God will provide the means, and it would be a wonderful opportunity serving God’s children next to an amazing man, that I am honored to call my Father, yet I am having a terrible time finding the faith to say yes. It makes my heart ache to think of it. What is wrong with me?

As tempted as I am to push the delete button, and continue on my current path, I know that God is wooing my heart. I know that he is continuing to work in my life and the lives around me. I know that all I have to do is listen to the call, and walk out in faith. Anyone need to go for a walk??

1 comment:

  1. It's so good to see you back to blogging!

    Oh Bri . . . if you've been screening God's calls (we all do from time to time) perhaps spend a few weeks just praying. Ask Him to settle your heart, to direct your path. Find scripture and pray it to Him. Just get with Him and settle into His arms, enjoy this season focusing on Him. Then pick up that adoption packet and start, praying that He picks just the right situation/child for you.

    It's hard. Most people don't have to 'make a decision' like this. Do not fear. He's right there . . .

    And for what it's worth, when we started the process we questioned all through it, and still do when we have really hard days with the boys! But deep down we KNOW that these boys are OURS from the LORD. I wonder how many 'questions' are from Satan?