My heart has been hardened for almost nine years now.
For much of that time you will find me living my life to its fullest, loving the people around me, enjoying everything from the largest event to celebrating the little stuff.
But every once in a while I feel the pain of longing, the sting of memory, the fear of loneliness, and it overwhelms everything that I am.
As a visitor to this dark place, you would watch as I question the Almighty God. Wondering why he took her away if he loved me so much? Why did he give me the gift of loving someone who knew me, understood me, bonded with me, just to rip her out of my life? Why did he let her work so hard to change all that she was for the chance to play a role in my life, just to lose her in the early chapters of my own story.
The Why’s will kill me! They go on and on, as a never ending battle between my humanity and my faith. They are all encompassing. They hurt my heart to such depths that the scars run deep enough to change the very essence of who I am. When I lost her, I lost part of myself.
I climb my way out of this place of despair by holding on to the God that loved me enough to give me family and friends to fill the void that was left when the Cancer took her away.
The God that loves me despite of all of my questions, and failures.
That I am loved by a God who loved me enough to bless me with an Angel for a Grandmother.
Today I write this as a tribute to my Mar. She was and continues to be a wonderful mentor, example, and comfort.
As I walk through my life I see little things that remind me of her. I have her rolling pin to make pies with. I have a tea cup and saucer that was used so often and washed with such diligence that the décor has worn off. I have wonderful memories of hope and comfort with wonderful words of wisdom. And my personal favorite is the little Blue Bird of happiness that sits on my sink, just as it did at her home.
I pray with all hopes that when I enter those pearly gates of Heaven that I will smell her apple pies baking, hear her laughter, feel her arms around me, blow out her cigarette lighter and sing Reba Macintyre songs together again!
Until then…I watch for Blue Birds as they come and go, and hope they will find my world comfortable enough to make a nest.