My Husband

has cancer...

That sounds funny to me...as if he "has a Job", or "has a hat on", or "has a stomach ache"...

It doesn't seem so foreboding when I read the statement.

But that little statement is life changing.

He had surgery on Wednesday. It was a "simple" procedure that revealed a not so simple recovery.

The cancer has spread passed the soft tissue on his scalp to the bone of his skull.  He will need at least another surgery and now chemo or radiation therapy.

My heart is breaking, the fear takes over my thoughts, this is our worst nightmare coming true.

He is so brave, so strong, he is my heart.

I don't have many words...I ponder the very best and very worst of these situations. And find myself praying constantly.

My God is Good, My God is in Control,and My God loves my husband.

I am so thankful that our Jobs are being so supportive. We are super blessed by the support of our family and friends.

I know that we are in this season of life for divine reasons...I watch with anticipation for the almighty hand on our path.

Making Christmas at the Taylor House

We decorated my Parents house for Christmas today. It was great fun!

A storm rages...in the heat of October

My husband had cancer...he's had it twice

I don't even know how to pronounce it.....although according to his doctors in a quiet conversation..."Its the bad stuff"

After what feels like 300 syllables...it always ends with Cancer

Scars on his head tell the story of two surgeries. Two very painful parts of his life, that I'd missed.

Until now...

He has a new growth, one that we both wanted to forget and not see.

The growth has grown...we couldn't forget...the pain started...the aggravation...the unknown storm started brewing

But then...all storms are unknown...Its the not knowing that hurts me.

Not knowing what the doctors would do...

Not knowing how bad the biopsy would hurt him...

Not knowing how his struggle would break my heart...

Not knowing how many layers of tissue are left...and if it will metastasize into something else...

In the midst of this October heat wave, I find myself in an all consuming storm of fear.

As we wait for a phone call to confirm our fears...I ponder if I am strong and faithful enough to give this journey with my sweet husband to the Lord.

I know the captain of this ship Loves us. I know the captain of our ship has a plan.

I only wish I knew where our destination was....

Death Box - Day 1

So we got the Insanity Workout...affectionately named "The DEATH box".

Which is another reason why I shouldn't stay up late to watch night time TV...

Something happens in the middle of the night..
I find myself feeling like a world conqueror...who has the strenghth of wonder woman...

Oh..goodness...

So I thought I would record my 60 day journey here. I am sure that it will take a couple rounds to get to my goal weight..but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Day 1 - is the first of 4 Fitness Tests (Hardest test I've ever taken)

You work on a set of exercises and record the number of times you complete the exercises in a minute.

You have two wonderfully fit (androids) to observe while you sweat to death...

Here are my numbers:

Starting Weight: 257 lbs
Starting Blood Sugar: 331

Fit Test Results

1. Switch Kicks - 48
2. Power Jacks - 20
3. Power Knees - 56
4. Power Jumps - 20
5. Globe Jumps - 6
6. Suicide Jumps - 1
7. Push up Jacks - 1
8. Low Plank Oblique - 8

I worked out at 5:30 am...and by 8:00 am...my body was hurting...

Step into my brokeness...

I feel blessed by my Jesus.

I feel blessed by those he has put in my path.

I feel blessed to call them friends.

Ecclesiastes 4 – For if they fall, the one will life up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falls, and hath not another to life him up.

As we walk down this path of adoption to grow our family, I have felt very lonely.  

I was reminded of this specifically this past weekend. I met a new sister in Christ as I volunteered at our Women’s Bibles Study table between services.  She asked if I had kids. I replied with my canned response, “Not yet, were working on that. But we have Puppies”.  You see that response protects me. It’s the positive spin that leaves me an out to talk about the 4 legged furry creatures in my life, instead of admitting the hurt and failure that I feel to a stranger.

A few minutes went by, we talked to other ladies and then she leaned over again and asked… “Can I ask you a personal question”.  In most circumstances I would have been a little apprehensive about this question, but I thought and replied, “Sure why not!” In the next few moments I found myself profoundly thankful that I had agreed to volunteer .  Her question was personal both from her story and mine. “Are you having a hard time conceiving?” As time went by I learned that she had adopted, and was an advocate for adopting. She was open, sweet, and warm and more than willing to share with me. She shared hope, and a since of sisterhood. I once again realized that I wasn’t alone, not only because I belong to a God who loves me, but because he has a very unique way of aligning me with those who have walked the path before me.

Psalm 71:14 –But I will hope continually, and will praise thee yet more and more.

I am thankful today. Thankful for the new friend I get to add to my circle. Thankful for her wiliness to step into my brokenness and share her hope. Thankful for a Lord who understands my heart like no other.

 

What I'm Loving Wednesday

This week I'm joining in for What I'm Loving Wednesday

What I’m Loving Wednesday

I’m Loving: Crescent Dogs….we tried this for dinner tonight…it was supper Yummy!

  

I’m Loving: Silly Puppies who beg for cheese. (I don’t know how they know the sound of the cheese drawer…but they come a running!

 

I’m Loving: that my Tuesday Evening Women’s Bible Study is back up and running for the fall!

Boy oh boy have I missed these Ladies! They are such a blessing, we are studying Jonah for the fall and its super exciting!

 I’m Loving: My Recent Pinterest Ponderings

This seems so true, especially as I look back a year from today!

This should be my life motto these days

This is just a powerfully sexy Truth. I wish more women understood this!

This has happened so many times in the past couple months...I've lived in the minds of quite a few
emotional experiences, and realized more than one person was watching me...

A fabulous Reminder!!

  I’m Loving: My new Bath and Body Works Fall Candles in Leaves, Cinnamon Sugar Doughnut, and Marshmallow Fireside. Note the cute pumpkin candle holder….So stinking cute!!

I’m also Loving: My new Bath and Body Works Fall Hand Soap in Warm Apple Cider, Black Cherry Merlot, and Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin.

 

What are you Loving?

Movie Ramblings - The Birds

1963's The Birds

Things we learned

1. Always match your lipstick to your nail polish

2. Send the Man upstairs

3. Never smoke a cigar by a gas station

4. Everyone should own a percolator coffee maker

5. Always have enough wood in the house to burn for at least 10 hours

And the most important thing we learned... When in doubt take the truck and take the garage door out with it.

Struggling

I find myself struggling…

Struggling with my thoughts..

As we continue down this road of adoption, things plague my heart.

We started this journey when we saw a picture of a little boy named “Max” from Ukraine. My heart was so very excited. In those first days I felt like I had finally heard my calling. I felt like we were going to make the difference in the life of a child who had no one else, truly an orphan. I was also eager about the adventure of flying to another country and learning about another culture. It was all very exciting and wooed my heart.  

In the months that followed we did lot of praying, planning, and hoping. As we learned a lot about each other, we also learned a lot about our God. We learned that Adoption was in God’s Plans for our lives, we also learned that “Max” was not. Although we rejoiced knowing that “Max” has a good home here is the US (An answered prayer), we were heart broken by the news.

Galatians 4:4 But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth his son, born of a woman, born under the law, that he might redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of Sons.

Months went by and we healed.  Together we worked up the courage to try a new path.

We decided that our next experience in Adoption might be a bit less stomach queasy if we went through a domestic process. We attended orientations and started the Paperwork Process with Bethany Christian Services. I regained confidence in our goal, and anticipated what it would be like raising a child whose birth mother was given the opportunity to choose us as the family for her child instead of aborting a life. I found myself enjoying this route as each step was well defined and reliable.  My heart raced with anticipation of the variety of ways that we might be notified of our child.  Would we meet the mother, what would that relationship be like? Will the phone call come in the middle of the night or while I’m at work?  My mind was spinning…my heart was on fire…we were once again on our journey, boldly following our Lord…trusting that we would come up with the financial obligations around this option.

Then God…ever present…ever knowing …put a change in direction in our path, known as a conversation with a trusted mentor…

A question was asked…

“Have you thought about working with the Orange County Adoption Agency?”

Psalm 27:10 when my father and mother forsake me, then Jehovah will take me up

Long story short we hadn’t… personally my initial fears and thoughts we superficial and unrealistic. This just wasn’t my picture.

We went to the Orientation…my heart started to soften.

We started our PRIDE classes, God started to mold my heart more.

We started our Adoption Series of Classes, God helped me see hope in darkness…

We started our Paperwork, our finger printing…we started waiting for clearance and a case worker assignment..

And we opened the mail last week to find that we have received both…

And I struggle.

Our child will come from a home of abuse and or neglect.

Our child will come to us hurt and broken.

Our child very well could be experiencing pain and heartbreak as I write this.

Our Family will be created by the brokenness of another…

And I struggle.

I struggle knowing that I am not enough, but my God is.

I struggle knowing that our hearts are at risk of complete torture, but my God is in control.

I struggle knowing that Adopting seems to be what all the “cool kids are doing”, yet we will see the very worst of humanity in the next steps of our journey.

And I struggle.

I struggle because what I am feeling isn’t easy, it’s lonely at times, and it isn’t cute.

I struggle because the things I feel like I need to get my mind around are the things nightmares are made of.

I struggle on my knees before my Lord. I pray for direction, hope, and faith in what tomorrow brings. I ask for daily reminders that I am the daughter of the Almighty King, and he has a magnificent plan for our days.

Acts 7:21 – And when he was cast out, Pharaoh’s Daughter took him up and nourished him as her own son.

If you’re of the praying variety…I’d appreciate your prayers.

Beach Baptism - Nancy and Selma take the Plunge

Corona Del Mar, CA

The Calvary Church crowd

I love this Man!!

Sweet Friends

Sweet Moments between Sisters in Faith!

Nothing Better than seeing them smiling together!!

Lets do This!!

Look at all the people!!

This is what friends are for!!!

We are so proud of you sweet Lady!

Praises and Blessing!!!

Loving the Lord, Loving on Friends, Loving on each other...
Im lucky to call them my parents!

Sweet Couple

The face of Lovely Courage!!

Congratulations all around!!

Alaska Cruise Trip - On the Road Home - Day 11

Alaska Cruise Trip - Victoria B.C. Irish Times Pub - Day 10