I am a reject. Is that too discouraging, too hopeless, too real?
I can remember in my teenage years and early 20’s knowing that getting pregnant before I was married could be the worst sin I could possibly commit. So I didn’t.
Now after almost 7 years of married life for multiple reasons, we are still childless.
I feel like in this most basic cultural standard, as a woman, I am a reject.
As I look back to my younger years, I was so naive in my dreams. I was so sure that I would have children. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that this was still my dream. We rejoice with our family and friends as they create new life! We love that we have been included to celebrate in birthdays, showers, and announcements! I cherish the opportunities I have had to document these moments with my Camera .
As each month passes and “Aunt Flow” arrives, I realize just how important having a child is to me!
I’ve written a few times about this struggle here on my little piece of blogdom. Although I don’t always want to focus on this struggle here, it is a very real part of my life story. You can find out more about this journey here , here , and here.
I am currently in a cycle of change on multiple fronts. I put together a pretty crazy mind map of my goals for 2014 which has helped me focus on areas of my life that needed direction and action. One of these areas is my health. You can read about the eating and exercise challenge that I am currently working here, and some recent results here.
When I complete the 24 day challenge, I am going to start drinking this Fertility Smoothie in the mornings for breakfast! I am hoping that this with weight loss and diabetes control will to regulate my hormones.
Another big area of focus for me is adding “Rest" to my life. You can read about the “One Little Word” workshop I am participating in here. I am actively finding ways to invite moments of Rest into my busy world. This is a weird phenomenon for me. I come from a family of origin that with good intention plans fun and productivity into every spare moment available. This was a way of life for me, and although it’s not a bad thing, it can add emotional pressure that turns into physical stress which is not good for my body. After experiencing cycles of complete exhaustion and guilt laden inactivity with days of manic multitasking and finished to-do lists, I am on a voyage to find a place where finding rest is valued and a priority amongst the other priorities I have. Using Capture Your 365 am documenting something every day that gives me rest, emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally!
I am also focusing on my relationship with my Lord. He is the author and creator of life and family! I am working to daily find a connection with him, to strengthen the relationship I have with Prayer and Praise. In the midst of feeling rejected by our culture, I find myself blessed to be loved by the King of Kings. There is peace that comes from stopping and becoming whole in the Love of my Lord. He alone restores my soul, and in my darkest moments gives me hope.
I am adding the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake to my reading list in the next couple months. Her book focuses on seeking God’s heart in the middle of infertility. We are also going to be attending Choose Joy in May. I pray that I can use both of these as opportunities to find comfort and harmony with what God’s plan is for my life as we struggle with infertility. We are fully onboard with adopting into our family as well. Doors continue to open and close as we walk this path, and we pray to see God’s direction clearly.
This is the hard stuff of life; it lurks in the shadows of the essence of who I am! It flavors my days and nights. I know that my God is big enough to handle this! Prayer, searching, and action continue, and with faith I confidently walk forward with hope that our family will become 3. My God is a lover of the Rejects, and has been proven faithful to those who seek him and his will in their lives.
If you too are on this crazy path of infertility I would love to hear from you.